She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
