Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
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Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
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He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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