Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
