Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wear drunk well.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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