we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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