Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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