Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
