The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
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