I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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