he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going