I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
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Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.