I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
