when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
