I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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