Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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