You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
