Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
