That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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