so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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