it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
this hospital has no fireball
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
