she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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