If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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