textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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