My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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