Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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