She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
