no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
