The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
