I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
