I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
