worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
