woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
