So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
