they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
