wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
