i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
