Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Blow job season was short but glorious.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
