My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
