Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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