I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
