If that was your dad, he is hot
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
