I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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