OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
