After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
