My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
