when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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