is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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