I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
