Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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