Did you just see the Batmobile???
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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