Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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