the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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