after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
