you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Alive.
So much puke
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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