I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
