i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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