I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got inside last night via doggy door
I made him laugh his dick is mine
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am available for nakedness
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
