Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Green mimosas i think yes
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't deserve a penis
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
